If you’re still reading this, there are two possibilities: you’re a pervert, or well it sounds interesting to you, which again makes you a pervert till some extent. But, never mind. Being a “Normal” Indian who cannot talk, write, listen or do Sex anywhere close to a place having more than two people (the person and the partner), it is allowed. Read this, have a smile, and enjoy your moments of some comic ‘relief’.
Note: This is an ‘A’ certified blog story. Parental Guidance advised. (As if you’ve followed this warning earlier!)
Also, if you’re RSS, this is not about SEX. The title was just a deviation. Bharat Mata Ki Jai! Valentine Day Haay Haay! (With a creepy smile)
So, RSS Protection: Check. Insulting the reader: Check. Bollywood Critic Style Certification: Check. Now, you may read some of the most hilarious facts about sex in India.
1. Never, EVER, Say the ‘s*x’ word in public.
Yes. There was a man who said it in public, and till his way home he was followed by widened eyes and open mouths (in shock!) by a growing number of stereotypical, double-standard Indian populace. The Censor Board installed a Shamitabh kind of technology in his mouth. Now, there’s a beep in almost all of his sentences. The only way you can use the word in public, is if you are from the Census Board of India and asking people about their gender.
2. Ye andar ki baat hai.
No matter what people say out there, “Chhee chee”, “Gandi Baat”, “Ashleel hai ye ladka/ladki”, “Ye hamare culture nahi hai” or whatever comes to their mind. Back when they reach home and close the windows and doors, there is something all Indians do. Read this fact and you’ll understand: India is the largest consumer of Worldwide porn.
3. The most used Sex toy by Indians is: The Internet.
Yes Sir! You give a baboon a car, and it’ll learn driving. You give a monkey a razor, it’ll learn shaving. And you give an Indian an empty room and an internet connection- Sunny Leone on the go! You may search about Dark Matter, How was Earth build, How to be the richest person you know, True meaning of life, History of anything and everything, but Indians search about Sex! The most searched person in India for 2015 was Sunny Leone, for the second consecutive year. In fact as per Google Trends, the search graph of the term ‘Sex’ has only increased in the past 10 years.
4. Indians are Pativrata/ Patnivrata
Durex conducted a survey involving 26,000 people. And the survey results stated that Mexicans were the ones to have highest number of sexual partners over a period of life. And guess who was on the lowest on this list- Indians! With 1 partner, Indians are the ones with the least probability to change a sexual partner. Is it honesty or lack of talent? God knows!
5. Our relationships aren’t ‘long-lasting’ enough.
The same survey stated that average time spent by Indians over Sex is 13.2 minutes, which was the lowest on the list. You know. We’ve other things to do in life like cribbing over corruption and doing nothing about it, trying to live up to society’s expectations, choosing job security over following one’s passion, trying to beat Sharmaji ka ladka or Vermaji ki ladki, etc etc.
6. Yaha bhi ‘chalta’ hai.
Well, despite of the above stated stats, Indians are some of the sexually most satisfied people on the planet. Hamari zaruratein kam hai, isliye hamare zameer me dum hai.
7. The Virginity ‘Vrat’.
Obviously, as per the great Indian hypocritical norms of arranged marriages, you are expected to be a virgin. Well, as per the Double Standard clause, no one would care if you’re a guy. But if you are a girl who isn’t a virgin in the ‘Arranged Marriage Market’, best of luck. And for the purpose of stating a fact, Indians lose virginity at an average age of 22.
8. Prostitution is legal in India.
Prostitution meaning ‘exchange of sexual services for money’. All its forms such as managing/running a brothel, kerb crawling, Hotel prostitution and pimping are illegal. Yet another example of a democratic hypocrisy, where people aren’t ready to talk about sex in public, but Prostitution is legal and unregulated.
9. Porno is ‘no-no’.
As you may expect from hypocritical Indian society (sorry for the repetitive usage. Ek baar kehne se mann nahi bharta.), distribution, sharing, selling or public display of Pornography is illegal in India. Running of Pornographic websites too, is illegal. However, consumption of Pornographic content in one’s private space is allowed. Well, some Kerala ministers thought when court said ‘You can watch it in your house’, the court meant ‘Watch it in the legislative house’, being the Assembly. Poor fellas! They were caught on TV. Ironically, one of them was Women and Child Development Minister of Kerala.
10. Every child goes through the ‘Awkward Talking Sessions’.
The problem with them is, by the time they are organized, Mr. Internet has already told chhotu a lot than what he is supposed to know.
All the humor kept aside, we need to grow. As a nation, we’re developing into the biggest economy on the planet. But, Our society? Still needs a landslide of changes. And this starts with the skepticism and discomfort we hold against Sex. Isn’t it a normal Biological condition? Why do we need to create a fuss out of it? It’s a simple three letter word- Sex. There’s no need to say Gandi Baat, and make those faces. Let’s face it, our ‘typical’ upbringing doesn’t allow us to be open about it. Sexual Education is more of joke, where teenagers wait only for that one chapter of ‘Reproduction’ in the Biology textbook. Increasing number of crimes against women, No laws against Marital Rapes, Human trafficking, Children being hunted down by their own familiar faces- Have we really grown that ‘uncontrollable’? If there can possibly be any time to sensitize ourselves about Sex, it’s now.
Sex teaches people to love themselves and to respect the opposite gender in the natural-most manner. We gave the world Kamasutra, let’s give ourselves some real Sex education, as a society.